I can't do this on top of everything else going on.

Sleeping is already hard enough. 

Going to FUCKING DIE. I'm going back to constantly keeping my mouth shut around adults. Shit. I fucking hate thisss.

Today: good at work, bad at home. I'm feeling like I don't have enough time ever. I'm still getting limited sleep. Had somewhat of a meltdown tonight talking on the phone to my mom.

Tomorrow: I have a presentation to do. I have to convince my thinking skills class of the existence of zombies. Luckily I have Joe who has been straight up saving my ass lately, along with a couple other people who have done no end of nice things for me. 

I'm feeling very grateful. My youth pastor Andrew even brought me some coffee at work today. It was seriously one of the nicest things anyone did for me today after Francisco printing out SAT quizzes for me. I need to start being more helpful before the help runs out. I'm surrounded by altruistic people. I learned that word from Monica and have used it several times since yesterday.

Taking a different turn in my "love" life. Idk what to call it. Fling is over before it really started- so sick of dealing with unpredictable situations. I'm done for real.

Almost finished with my poster for tomorrow.

Need to type source sheet.

Is it any coincidence that I knew it wouldn't happen.

Free tacos today! I could finally eat without feeling sick. That's a definite plus.

Also watched Are You Afraid of the Dark? and it was terrible.

I'm loving the weather because my cheeks get rosy and i wear like, 3 layers. It smells really clear in the air and makes me want to cuddle. Also brings back memories- the best ones are in the winter and fall.

One time I snuck out in the middle of the night to meet with a friend and we went to a playground and that's the first kiss we had together. Also remember cuddling inside my jacket, breathing icy air near a dock in Occoquan on a crappy fishing boat. 

Playing in the snow in my jacket and then going inside to share dubious amounts of liquor from my parent's cabinet.

All the best. I hope I can make even better memories this year. Last year was lacking in them.

Butterflies in my stomach are the best when I'm shivering and rosy. 

About to start writing an argument as soon as i decide to concentrate.

Stomach has been upset for the past week. Whenever I eat I feel sick so I've barely eaten lately.

I miss enjoying my food.

Am feeling warm inside from someone new. Old, new, whatever.

Am done with messing around.

God, I type like my dad.

Tomorrow looks promising and I'm hoping things will change but if they don't, I'm out.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I have zero will power, dammit.

We'll see what happens. I feel like the second I back off he'll be begging.

New self portraits.

He totally blew it. Forget it. I hate being led around so fuck it.

Portfolio day was great. Need to work on photography and drawing from observation. They liked my portrait of Collin, my painting, and my lamp photo. I'm going to enlarge a couple things and transfer a couple others to linoleum cuts to make prints.

The things I did outside class were better liked so they encouraged a lot of independent study and deliberate drawing.

The guy from Corcoran says I should really just sit down one day and draw draw draw. I'd really love to but work takes up a lot of my time. Maybe I'll just stay up later and do some now that John won't be home anymore.

I'm going backwards in time.

I forgot how good Sugar Ray, Blink 182, and Third Eye Blind is. Makes me think of really mellow times and gives me a fuzzy feeling like I'm in the sun.

Counting down invisible days until paradise in the sun, but I'm always in paradise in my head.

Also counting down actual known days until Portfolio day and I'm a little nervous about it.

Almost done cleaning room because that place was a disaster area.

Thinking about future hookup and how to make myself in charge so it doesn't feel like some booty call thing.

Also thinking about how to tell my friends that they're totally weird to hang with because they can't stop touching for 5 seconds. Maybe I'm jealous because I don't have a straight-up boyfriend.

Whatever, I'm happy somewhat. No. Not satisfied, not happy. More like excited about the future. After all, this is what I said I wanted. Just someone to fool around with.

Can't stop thinking about it.

Still peeling the layers.

I wish I was Cameron.

I'm sick today. Cramps and cramps and cramps so I feel like I'm about to die.

Feeling antsy to fulfill my needs.

Got a call from a kid from U of Oregon and it sounds okay I guess. Still hoping to get into VCU. He couldn't tell me anything about the art program because he's a business major. My mom said that's what people do when they have no idea what they want to do. I wish he (Cody) could've relayed the info a little better. Probably will not go but I'll apply anyways as my backup. I'm automatically in because of my GPA and the classes I've taken. I just need money for it and honestly that's the only real problem.

Just a side note he said he was from Reno which is right by my dad and I thought that was cool. Has limited music appreciation so I couldn't get a lot of info on local bands and all that. Bummer.

About to start applying to more colleges. I'll have time later to do my homework that I still havn't done.

I've been on a high all day and much more upbeat. Hoping for some action during half-time at the game or something. It's wishful thinking, I know.

Once I get one taste it's hard to forget how sweet of a bite it is.

oh yes

Making out in the rain on the hood of a car. Such a great visual.

It's even better in real life.

Unfortunately, I only had 15 minutes before I had to leave for work.

Peeling the layers.

Feeling great.

Testing some characteristics of the new happenin'. I think I'm going to like a fun fling even though I'm sure that at some point I'll start having stronger feelings than a little crush, just like the last time I tried to have a fling. I don't really know what he's feeling about it at this point- if he's in the same mindset or if he's looking for something more. All I know is, if he's looking for something more, he can't repeat the mistakes of the last relationship. That's probably one of the only reasons I'd be hesitant. Otherwise, he's definitely got the butterfly factors down and he's got me anxious for my day off on Monday for a little tlc.

Btw got a job at the church working for the daycare. It's Monday- Friday, 3- 6:30. I have a day off Monday because of Columbus Day. I really don't think he's so great that he should get a whole holiday, but at least it gets me off work so I can go make out.

Nobody really knows about it besides me, Jessica, and Thao. It's not really odd that I told Thao. Things that I don't want to share with my close friends should be shared with friends outside the circle if it's imperative to talk about it. That way, she won't say anything. That, and I told her not to anyways. Jessica knows because she's a girl friend, and I can count on her not to blab.

I'm just excited. Period. VCU this weekend and then something to make Monday way better. :))

New self portraits...

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