Feeding my Head

2009-10-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

I used to think I was really into the Civil War, turns out I'm just really into moustaches.

I wouldn't say I believe in God, but I do believe in something bigger and higher than us. Thats why I believe in a bear on stilts.

FIRST TATTOO

2009-08-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

Done Tuesday the 11th. It came out beautifully even though it hurt like hell.

CLOONEY, ROSEMARY CLOONEY

2009-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have been having the weirdest dreams, lately. They're a little nightmarish in a way. For example last night I dreamt I was in Fahrenheit 451- not the book, just that weird futuristic time period. I think this is because I've been listening to Harry Potter on audio and things just slip into my dream along with other things.

I've been very into Rosemary Clooney the last few days, especially her tribute to Billie Holiday. It's very relaxing to listen to, and the words are very insightful. Also, she has some very good songs for burlesque dancing, which I have also been getting into. Sway is hands down a perfect song. Some pictures of Miss Clooney:

LAST NIGHT

2009-08-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

Went to a show last night with Rima and took some alright pictures. Then we came back to my house, walked to the corner store to get ice cream, and watched some movies. It was nice to hang out with a girl for once.

This morning I tried out a tofu breakfast recipe. I mixed a third of a block of tofu with two handfuls of crushed chips, some garlic powder, and salsa and microwaved it. It's really tasty if you don't look at it for long. Honestly it looks like barf lol.

Some pictures from the show last night:

CF 8/4

2009-08-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

ARTICHOKES

2009-08-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have somewhat been out lately. I've just been trying to find things to do. When I feel like it.

Right now I'm cooking artichokes, which I have never done before. I looked up instructions on how to cook it though and it smells good now that it's cooking so I'm not so worried about it.

STARTING OVER

2009-07-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I always stop blogging after a while; I forget or my life gets boring. But I'm starting up again and this time I'm not making a whole new blog.

I did replace my masthead picture, though. It's a picture of Kassia Meador and her friends after they built a half-pipe. I don't know why she appeals to me so much but she and her friends seem so cool. It makes me want to be like them.

I just know I would have to be more active. Lately I've just been hanging around the house like a leach or a parasite watching television shows and movies. Today I watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I'm currently watching Benny and Joon. Both very rewarding things to watch but it also makes me feel like a lazy ass as I'm also trolling eBay while I watch it.

To work on my drawing and photography I'm going to Washington tomorrow. At least then I'll be out and about being productive.

2009-02-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

Today smelled great.

I wanted to spend all day outside but I had to go to a ref meeting.

2009-02-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah a 3.7 GPA for the semester is really something to complain about. Goddam.

Somebody please tell my mom that everyone gets Cs in Chemistry.

Went and ran a couple miles today after the lacrosse meeting. Practice is starting on the 23rd and I really want to get in better shape by the time it starts. Higgins gave us a rough outline of what she thinks we should be doing now before practice: 30 minute walk/run, 50-100 sit-ups, 50 pushups. We should be doing these 6 times a week at least. My arms hurt- it sucked so bad doing push-ups and I can't do the normal ones properly so I have to do the girly ones and even then it sucks. Oh well I'm willing to endure it to get in better shape- especially for beach week. :D

2009-02-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

Looking for alternative majors to photography if I don't get into the art program. I'm thinking an English major or something to that effect.

Possible majors: Art History, Sociology, English, Anthropology

Probably a minor in Global Studies.

2009-01-29T17:04:00.000-08:00

God.

I thought this week would end better.

I can't even count on my parents to stay together.

Can't even count on apparently christlike men to stay faithful.

This is a whole new low I can't even comprehend.

I can't look him in the eye and I can't stop listening to them talk.

I've never heard my mom sound so small before.

2009-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Fuck yes United Blood the weekend before my birthday.

Saturday night was sweet. Right Idea did great plus they did a cover of "In My Eyes" which I was really stoked on. Favorite was probably Overload. Fuck yes. PLUS got to see Curt before his birthday so that lightened my mood a lot, since this whole week has just been a giant black cloud following me around.

Finally got a record player today- found it for $6 and speakers for $4. Works great and also has a couple tape players, an 8-track player, and a radio in it.

LOVE every time

2009-01-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

2009-01-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

Been reading, sleeping, and studying a lot lately. Thankfully I've also been motivated to work on my portfolio so that's coming along nicely.
Upcoming:

-chemistry and Stat midterms

-deadline for VCU arts

-youthcrew show/Curt's birthday

Most weekends I've been up in the DC area. Unfortunately since I havn't been driving in the city I got lost when I made a wrong turn. I had to call Curt to get directions out of there like my compass. I think I'll stick to the Metro from now on because parking is a bitch, too.

2009-01-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

Debate Wednesday went fine. Won the first, but lost the 2nd and 3rd by 1 or 2 points :/

Had a midterm today which I aced.

My Bloody Valentine sucked as far as acting and story goes but it was scary as shit. That's not saying much though because I'm so jumpy.

I've been staying up pretty late this week, mostly for phone calls but they unwind me and keep me posi. I don't mind staying up for those. Plus, I try to sleep more over the weekend. 4 day weekend and my mom is coming here for a few weeks on sunday. yeee

Hanging with Curt tomorrow- I'm going to pick him up from the metro. Because I suck at planning things, idk what we'll do but whatever.

On a super positive note: got a group for beach week. Now I can't wait for graduation- even more than before. I just want it to be hot out with lots of sun. And I want to swimmm.

Sent transcripts for VCU and Temple today. I'm pretty sure I'll get into VCU with my SATs alone, but you never know and I'm so paranoid anyways. I know my mom will have the heart attack of her life if I'm not heading out to college. In fact, so will I. I couldn't stand to be in Woodbridge when I knew I had a chance to do all I could to leave.

Not that Woodbridge is so bad, but people get stuck here. There's a window of time and then nothing. You can't see outside the city limits.

Whatever I'm meant for, that's what will happen. I have faith in fate.

2009-01-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

Excellent find looking for something to nom on at the grocery store. Got the best blood oranges and ate 3 of them.

I skipped out on a bunch of stuff today. I wasn't feeling great so I skipped conditioning for lacrosse which in theory is not the smartest thing to do. Also I ducked Alexa because I don't want to be her debating partner tomorrow... oops? But I got bombarded with phone calls- at least 2 from every person on the debate team and 5 from Frank- of people telling me to call Alexa because apparently I WILL be her partner tomorrow. I have neither memorized the resolution nor researched but we'll see how it goes. I hate debates about alternative fuel :/

Going to see pygmylush on Saturday at positive youth fest so that should be fun. Plus I'm going with Curt soo that makes it better. It's crazy how much we have in common without meaning to. I'm just glad this has played out so well, whatever this is.

2009-01-11T13:07:00.001-08:00

The new year has been a lot better than I expected. I guess it's right that how you spend your new year's is how your year will go.

This week has gone really well. Besides doing better in classes I'm hanging with Nadia a lot more. Plus lacrosse is starting soon so that's going to keep me busy in a good way. :)

But yesterday. Went to meet Curt in Arlington so we could hang out. We ended up going to Chinatown for a little while- he has an infinitely better sense of direction than I do. Then went to Adams Morgan to eat and go to Smash. We spent like 45 minutes in there and there was no talking for the first 20 because we got so absorbed in looking through everything. Afterwards was just us trying to drag out the last bit of time we had before we had to go. Luckily that area has a lot of blocks to walk around and waste time on. I think staying on the metro when he left was the suckiest part.

BUT picked up some Minor Threat, Jawbreaker, and Wheelbite.

Also, got the Rocky Horror Soundtrack so it's got me wanting to go to another showing of it since it's been a couple years.

2009-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

umm first post of the year.

New year's was really great. Probably one of the best ones I've had. For once I actually went out and did something myself. Met a few people which was cool and said hi to a couple I met the Friday before. :)

Now that school is back in my daily life I'm about to feel the weight of the AP classes coming down. I've thankfully quit my job though, so... yay.

Can't wait for Friday and Saturday. I love having things to do.

2008-12-27T18:46:00.001-08:00

AT LEAST you weren't a total waste of fucking time.

Wait- oh yeah.

new year

2008-12-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a frustrating week. Hopefully I can have some sort of clarification by tonight or tomorrow. I'm just sick of being left in the dark.

Ummm definitely setting some resolutions for the new year but I don't have my ducks lined up yet.

-get all my college apps in

-be more chilled. i've been wound so tight lately.

-always wait 2 days before making a big decision. i jump to conclusions and act on my emotions too much.

-keep in touch with my family and buy some cute fucking stationary to do it with.

-write all my appointments and assignments down.

-STOP PROCRASTINATING.

- do my 365 days.

2008-12-16T17:38:00.001-08:00

I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to figure it out. I don't know if I'm thinking too hard. I don't know if I'm overreacting (probably).

2008-12-05T16:10:00.001-08:00

I'm having panic attacks, I think.

2008-12-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

I can't remember times where I've felt much happier or felt more anticipation.

It's weird that we connected so fast.

Need to do my govt. homework soon so that i can go to bed earlier. I'm so damn tired all the time and it makes it hard to go to work when I feel like passing out. Not to mention, I keep taking random naps in classes. Yesterday I fell asleep on a music stand in thinking skills.

Plus I think the reason for the colds I've been getting is that I'm not sleeping enough and not getting enough water. So I started downing water and tonight I'll try getting to bed on time. I'm trying for 11. Woo.

2008-11-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

Glad to see my mom for Thanksgiving. It's odd not being in Woodbridge.
I really don't know what to say.
I've been so mentally disconnected the past few days. It's been a fog of anxiety, sleeplessness, and (recently) some euphoria. I feel really warm in between the panic and nausea going on. I'm really thankful for those little injections.
In the next week, need to finish the paintings for church but I'll finally have someone to help and keep me company. I'm hoping the keeping company doesn't mean distraction too because I really need to fucking finish them. I'm so mad I volunteered for this. >:(
Miss everyone right now.

2008-11-27T21:04:00.000-08:00

my favorite thing of the week is the photographic dictionary.
http://www.thephotographicdictionary.org/home.html

2008-11-24T19:15:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of worrying about other people, so I won't.

I can't wait until I'm done with applications and I can await my future.

I get the feeling inside thinking about college.

Started my 365 Days on Flickr: 365

today tomorrow

2008-11-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better. No more sickness.

Every day another issue.

I'm annoyed.

But alright.

Always.

2008-11-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

Listening: Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlanticism

It's crazy how many memories spring up from this album.

And it's fitting my mood right now.

And I've resolved that if I'm going to talk about other people I need to get used to being talked about. Or at least be comfortable with it.

2008-11-18T16:40:00.000-08:00

Meltdown at work because I have the group with the most issues.

But I'm good now.

The best songs were playing on the way home and it made me feel a lot better. Plus I saw Colby's new house and could relax for a little bit before I got home and had to be defensive as hell.

Speaking of relaxed, life is so much better when I am.

Friend coming home for a while on Thursday so that's cool.

I am feeling strangely liberated, minus the episode today.

Reading Born Confused again. It should be a classic or something. too bad not many people know about it.

people

2008-11-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

1. Maybe in a few years when we're all older... hit me up, I want to hear your story.

2. I'm sorry if I hurt you by being distant but I'm trying to cut my feelings out for the good of someone else. I think I did it all wrong and made you mad.

3. You make me feel like I need a boyfriend or something by flaunting yourselves everywhere. It's not on purpose, but it makes me feel lonely.

4. I'm glad we're cool now and I hope we stay that way.

5. Every day feels like a challenge to live up to you or something. I'm starting to convince myself that we have different talents.

6. I miss you like you wouldn't believe. Indirectly, you were my inspiration and (in a way) my mentor. Miss and love you.

7. Come back to visit again because you're so much fun in the simplest way. Awkward works for you.

8. You confuse the hell out of me. I thought our arrangement was to cut out game playing and all the bullshit.

this turned out SO good

2008-11-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri on Vimeo.

2008-11-15T08:34:00.001-08:00

Sick sick sick it's so gross. I feel like I blew out part of my brain on a tissue this morning. I'm going to have to start taking that medicine so now I have to drink a ton of water to keep up with the stupid pills. They just dry everything out.

I can barely talk, too. Which is a good thing because when John asked why there was a huge crack in the frame of the car I just said I didn't know how it happened. When really I know exactly how the fuck it happened and I should be paid to protect the certain individual who would currently be being strangled from behind right now if John knew.

Need to do some serious reading and work for government this weekend. No joke. And English class, too. And chemistry. Ugh.

It's always easier for me to let something go when I'm not at school. That way I can't see them so often.

2008-11-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

Lots of painting today and we're still not half-way done. Worried about whether I can finish it or not.

damndamndamn

2008-11-10T18:36:00.001-08:00

Conor Oberst and the Felice Brothers are playing this very moment. I wish so bad I could go.

I saw Bright Eyes about a year ago with the Felice Brothers but it was at a big hall and I was rows and rows away.

Maybe next year.

D.A.N.C.E. is still on every "original" playlist. Find some new direction, people!

Muxtape is currently down and I think I know why...

Still running from my problems in an irresponsible way- if it can be responsible at all.

nonono

2008-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Everything I do to get into college is preventing me from doing what I want to do the most.

I have to make time to create art?

It hurts.

2008-11-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

"Running from the Rain" by Thursday. Such a great song.

So I went to paint the backdrop for the Christmas play today. Friends from church helped me. It turns out I used the wrong purple to paint it. WHY WOULD SHE PUT IT THERE? WHY WOULD SHE NOT TELL ME NOT TO USE THE OLD PURPLE? She could've told me to use the "dark indigo" instead because how the hell am I supposed to know she wanted to use a type of blue instead? We totally agreed on purple. So NOW I have to repaint the background which will take for fucking EVER. If she had just been patient and let me take care of the back drop like I'm SUPPOSED TO, I would've been told which color to use and we could've avoided this COMPLETE waste of time. GOD. I thought patience was a virtue. She couldn't just trust that I would finish on time like I SAID I would.

I'm a little pissed right now mostly because I need to take extra time and money to fix a stupid mistake.

Ugh.

Met someone nice today. :)

2008-11-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

Trying to decide if the end was worth the wait.

Got some much needed herbal therapy last night. :)

Watched That 70's Show and House which was nice because I love those shows.

Detour at home to take care of some things

(I've had better)

Then went to my guardian's house.

Right now, can't help loving Nelly Furtado.

50 years of songs condensed: from mcsweeney's and marc haynes

2008-11-06T19:30:00.001-08:00

The Beatles, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Marvin Gaye, "Let's Get It On"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Baby Got Back"

I want to do it.

- - - -

Elvis Presley, "Hound Dog"

You're doing it with everyone.

- - - -

R. Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly"

I believe I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Patsy Cline, "Crazy"

I want to do it with you so much I'm going fucking nuts.

- - - -

Frank Sinatra, "Strangers in the Night"

I'm drunk and I want to do it with you.

- - - -

The White Stripes, "My Doorbell"

Using metaphor, I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Little Richard, "Good Golly Miss Molly"

I'm doing it with Miss Molly, and she's totally into it.

- - - -

Duran Duran, "Rio"

I'd love to do that chick dancing on the sand.

- - - -

The Beatles, "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"

I'd like to do it with you right now.

- - - -

Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"

We used to do it, but then you did it with someone else, and now I'm not going to do it with you, although I wish we were still doing it.

- - - -

Pulp, "Common People"

I once met a stuck-up European who wanted to do it with me.

- - - -

Radiohead, "Creep"

I'm filled with self-loathing, and, though outwardly I hate everything you represent, I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Kate Bush, "Wuthering Heights"

I'm an 18th-century fictional character and I want to do it with another 18th-century fictional character.

- - - -

Bob Dylan, "Blowin' in the Wind"

The Man is currently doing it to you.

- - - -

Elvis Presley, "Jailhouse Rock"

Incarcerated men will on occasion do it with each other.

- - - -

Meat Loaf, "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)"

Hey! You won't believe what this one chick said while I was doing it with her!

- - - -

Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"

I did it with you, and now it hurts when I pee.

- - - -

Céline Dion, "My Heart Will Go On"

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

- - - -

AC/DC, "You Shook Me All Night Long"

We did it yesterday.

2008-11-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

I still think this is the sexiest music video.

2008-11-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

My car frame is cracked.

I'm wound up.

Winding down.

Miss Bipin, Mom, and other assorted people.

Minor Threat should do a reunion tour.

I woke up late this morning probably thinking it was a Sunday. Didn't have time for a shower so I just put my hair up and threw on some clothes from the floor. Needed to shave though... ewie.

I felt nasty the whole day. Oh wellls.

2008-11-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Voting day. Wish I could. Glad the majority of my school can't.

Photos for art class with Collin. Awkward as hell.

Loving the Donnas right now even though they're nothing special. I wish I was as bold. I'd rather not give a shit like that.

Looking outside the usual circle could be very beneficial to me.

LOVEE the Felice Brothers. Want to see them so bad. I always feel like I need a drink in my hand when I hear them.

2008-11-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

I keep getting sucked in over and over again and then let down. So why so I keep doing it? Because I think something will change. In a mathematical world, this will keep happening over and over again, so why do I try to rationalize and say some other result will happen when the beginning pattern is the same? Mathematically, this will never work unless there is a change in the beginning of the equation.

But the human brain is a most complex thing. It can break out of patterns.

I suppose I'm depending on the psychological aspects to justify my pathetic attempt at getting mine. God I suck. Or God is completely against me on this. Which I totally understand. Duh.

Something cute to offset my stupid.

2008-11-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

Ignoring and avoiding drama.

I miss my mom a lot now. She seems to call right when I'm on the verge of a breakdown or when I need another perspective. Or to get a second opinion that is usually close to mine so i figure that I'm right. She's right so often I just assume.

2008-10-30T17:34:00.001-07:00

I can't do this on top of everything else going on.

Sleeping is already hard enough.

Going to FUCKING DIE. I'm going back to constantly keeping my mouth shut around adults. Shit. I fucking hate thisss.

2008-10-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today: good at work, bad at home. I'm feeling like I don't have enough time ever. I'm still getting limited sleep. Had somewhat of a meltdown tonight talking on the phone to my mom.

Tomorrow: I have a presentation to do. I have to convince my thinking skills class of the existence of zombies. Luckily I have Joe who has been straight up saving my ass lately, along with a couple other people who have done no end of nice things for me.

I'm feeling very grateful. My youth pastor Andrew even brought me some coffee at work today. It was seriously one of the nicest things anyone did for me today after Francisco printing out SAT quizzes for me. I need to start being more helpful before the help runs out. I'm surrounded by altruistic people. I learned that word from Monica and have used it several times since yesterday.

Taking a different turn in my "love" life. Idk what to call it. Fling is over before it really started- so sick of dealing with unpredictable situations. I'm done for real.

Almost finished with my poster for tomorrow.

Need to type source sheet.

2008-10-28T18:43:00.001-07:00

Is it any coincidence that I knew it wouldn't happen.

Free tacos today! I could finally eat without feeling sick. That's a definite plus.

Also watched Are You Afraid of the Dark? and it was terrible.

I'm loving the weather because my cheeks get rosy and i wear like, 3 layers. It smells really clear in the air and makes me want to cuddle. Also brings back memories- the best ones are in the winter and fall.

One time I snuck out in the middle of the night to meet with a friend and we went to a playground and that's the first kiss we had together. Also remember cuddling inside my jacket, breathing icy air near a dock in Occoquan on a crappy fishing boat.

Playing in the snow in my jacket and then going inside to share dubious amounts of liquor from my parent's cabinet.

All the best. I hope I can make even better memories this year. Last year was lacking in them.

Butterflies in my stomach are the best when I'm shivering and rosy.

2008-10-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

About to start writing an argument as soon as i decide to concentrate.

Stomach has been upset for the past week. Whenever I eat I feel sick so I've barely eaten lately.

I miss enjoying my food.

Am feeling warm inside from someone new. Old, new, whatever.

Am done with messing around.

God, I type like my dad.

Tomorrow looks promising and I'm hoping things will change but if they don't, I'm out.

2008-10-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

Stupid stupid stupid.

I have zero will power, dammit.

2008-10-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

We'll see what happens. I feel like the second I back off he'll be begging.

New self portraits.

2008-10-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

He totally blew it. Forget it. I hate being led around so fuck it.

Portfolio day was great. Need to work on photography and drawing from observation. They liked my portrait of Collin, my painting, and my lamp photo. I'm going to enlarge a couple things and transfer a couple others to linoleum cuts to make prints.

The things I did outside class were better liked so they encouraged a lot of independent study and deliberate drawing.

The guy from Corcoran says I should really just sit down one day and draw draw draw. I'd really love to but work takes up a lot of my time. Maybe I'll just stay up later and do some now that John won't be home anymore.

2008-10-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm going backwards in time.

I forgot how good Sugar Ray, Blink 182, and Third Eye Blind is. Makes me think of really mellow times and gives me a fuzzy feeling like I'm in the sun.

Counting down invisible days until paradise in the sun, but I'm always in paradise in my head.

Also counting down actual known days until Portfolio day and I'm a little nervous about it.

2008-10-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

Almost done cleaning room because that place was a disaster area.

Thinking about future hookup and how to make myself in charge so it doesn't feel like some booty call thing.

Also thinking about how to tell my friends that they're totally weird to hang with because they can't stop touching for 5 seconds. Maybe I'm jealous because I don't have a straight-up boyfriend.

Whatever, I'm happy somewhat. No. Not satisfied, not happy. More like excited about the future. After all, this is what I said I wanted. Just someone to fool around with.

Can't stop thinking about it.

Still peeling the layers.

I wish I was Cameron.

2008-10-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sick today. Cramps and cramps and cramps so I feel like I'm about to die.

Feeling antsy to fulfill my needs.

Got a call from a kid from U of Oregon and it sounds okay I guess. Still hoping to get into VCU. He couldn't tell me anything about the art program because he's a business major. My mom said that's what people do when they have no idea what they want to do. I wish he (Cody) could've relayed the info a little better. Probably will not go but I'll apply anyways as my backup. I'm automatically in because of my GPA and the classes I've taken. I just need money for it and honestly that's the only real problem.

Just a side note he said he was from Reno which is right by my dad and I thought that was cool. Has limited music appreciation so I couldn't get a lot of info on local bands and all that. Bummer.

About to start applying to more colleges. I'll have time later to do my homework that I still havn't done.

2008-10-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've been on a high all day and much more upbeat. Hoping for some action during half-time at the game or something. It's wishful thinking, I know.

Once I get one taste it's hard to forget how sweet of a bite it is.

oh yes

2008-10-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

Making out in the rain on the hood of a car. Such a great visual.

It's even better in real life.

Unfortunately, I only had 15 minutes before I had to leave for work.

Peeling the layers.

2008-10-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Feeling great.

Testing some characteristics of the new happenin'. I think I'm going to like a fun fling even though I'm sure that at some point I'll start having stronger feelings than a little crush, just like the last time I tried to have a fling. I don't really know what he's feeling about it at this point- if he's in the same mindset or if he's looking for something more. All I know is, if he's looking for something more, he can't repeat the mistakes of the last relationship. That's probably one of the only reasons I'd be hesitant. Otherwise, he's definitely got the butterfly factors down and he's got me anxious for my day off on Monday for a little tlc.

Btw got a job at the church working for the daycare. It's Monday- Friday, 3- 6:30. I have a day off Monday because of Columbus Day. I really don't think he's so great that he should get a whole holiday, but at least it gets me off work so I can go make out.

Nobody really knows about it besides me, Jessica, and Thao. It's not really odd that I told Thao. Things that I don't want to share with my close friends should be shared with friends outside the circle if it's imperative to talk about it. That way, she won't say anything. That, and I told her not to anyways. Jessica knows because she's a girl friend, and I can count on her not to blab.

I'm just excited. Period. VCU this weekend and then something to make Monday way better. :))

New self portraits...

2008-10-05T12:06:00.001-07:00

Something About This...

2008-10-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

2008-09-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

Today I left my notebooks on top f my car and they flew all over the place.

I'm not really embarrassed. Probably because worse things have happened to people.

Right now my best friends have broken up. I can't say I never thought it would come, because all things come to an end, but I thought it would be much later.

Everything she said she was feeling felt like deja vu. I could honestly tell her I knew how she felt. Unfortunately, no advice could be given from me because these are things we just have to move on from. It sucks so bad and not because we're sad for ourselves, we're just sad for the person we love.

I see such a mirror image in her.

Beach House lyrics

2008-09-21T12:28:00.001-07:00

I was sitting on a rock, just waiting for a key to sleep inside the house of old serenity  So I climbed onto your altar begged, please don't let me falter, we'll put our oaths at stake in a heaven that all icicles make.  All my devotion,  compelled by an ocean, of all the years to come of all the years to come  So we'll work until the night is quite what once all our dreams were like; doing all the housework, returning all the schoolbooks, for good  Let's go on pretending that the light is neverending we still have the summers to be good to one another, yay hey

2008-09-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows

the day as it goes

gets shorter and shorter

but the grass grows.

The older I get,

the shorter I live,

and the more I give,

the less that I have.

But I'd give the rest,

I like to think,

willingly,

at least I think...

I know I'd trade,

at the very least,

a whole decade

for your lemonade.

Because I feel like a child more than ever.

2008-09-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

I've seen the most beauteous things

in my dreams

who knows, they may be made

of future things.

2008-09-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I got my iPod stolen. Again. Shit, at least they cost less now.

Oh, and I went to the book store today to see if I got the job or was on my way to getting it and I got turned down by an old stuttering nerd man. Cool.

Then I proceeded to apply to the party store, Fashion Bug, and Game Stop. If I get the job at Game Stop, I'll be so fucking surprised. I only applied at Fashion Bug because it was there and I got a pair of shoes there a long time ago. It's mostly cheap clothes but some of it is cute and I just want a job, dammit. I actually want to work at the party store, though. They have costumes and balloons and I would have fun there.

Got home and realized I have 2 things to write for tomorrow, then didn't do it.

But I finished one just 5 minutes ago, and I'll do the other one to help me go to sleep. It's supposed to be an essay about what made me who I am today. I'm really not sure.

It was mainly from moving so many places and changing my personality accordingly. Every move was a new opportunity to make a better version of me. Whether it was changing how I looked or how I acted or my laugh, there was always something I wanted to touch up.

Fitting in is a big deal when you're going to a school where people have known each other since kindergarten.

Anyways, bedtime.

2008-09-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

I just have to say that right now I have the weirdest pressure in my head. Like, it's in my eyes, but it's in my nose too because I have an up-and-coming pimple forming on the end. And I have a weird feeling in my teeth because I just woke up from a nap and I think I clench my teeth when I sleep.

Jenny Lewis' new single Acid Tongue is online and I've been listening to it over and over again. It's probably the closest to country that I really like besides Johnny Cash.

I'm starting to plan out my portfolio for AP Art. Mostly what I'm actually planning is my concentration section. In my mind I have black and white portraits. I don't want them pretty looking or staged. I just want several people to stand and look like them. My problem will be getting the people. I don't know if I want a couple pictures of the same person. It would look like I couldn't get a good enough final shot. Or that I didn't give myself enough time so I had to use one of my previous shots. Anyways, Collin is interested in helping out and his look is perfect for it. Until I decide to get started, I'm just going to check out portraits by other people.

2008-09-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

I havn't been on the computer the first three days of school. I don't want to recount a lot so all I'll say is that I'm liking my teachers a lot. Classical studies, government, english, and art should be really good.

I finished The Once and Future King and The Little Prince and I'm about to start on an Anne Rice novel and Beowulf. I really like how the Old English sounds a lot more Germanic and northern than modern English does. This is the first I've been able to see that it's a Germanic language rather than Latin based. I may rush through it a little though because I'm feeling a reading fever.

I'll probably be updating this more; I don't feel like recounting the monotony of the first few days.

2008-08-27T20:37:00.001-07:00

"They're delicate and their appearance is friendly."

I'm about to go watch The Science of Sleep. It's a beautiful movie.

2008-08-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

Some favorites from today.

2008-08-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Woke up at 12:30 today.
I found a yoga DVD my mom and I bought like, last year. We did a couple sessions together and then just forgot about it. Today I did one of the 10 minute sessions and I think I'm going to start doing it daily, for strength and stuff. I mean, today I was having trouble with back bends. I need to loosen myself up more.
People are always talking about how yoga changes every aspect of your life. I don't really believe it, but I'm willing to try. Mostly, it's just so I can get some kind of daily activity fit into my life. If I can wake up every morning before school and do 10 minutes of backbends to wake me up, that would be way better than some energy drink.
I'm not trying to be some granola head, even though it's a pretty respectable lifestyle, I'm just trying to find a solo exercise that agrees with me. I'll still try and run a few days a week, but I need something more.

2008-08-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Holy shit. Viva la Vida is a fantastic song.

2008-08-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie; I like the photo options on the mac.
I feel a lot better today than yesterday. I had a good long talk and now everything is better. Not all okay, but it's better.
I can't wait until Jessica gets back. We're going to make it a fun weekend before school starts up again. I don't know what we're doing yet, though. She hinted at something fun and I think I'm down. :0
Plus, it's nice having a girl around to talk to.
<3 girl talk

picture

2008-08-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

2008-08-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

Really starting to like David Bowie now. I listened to the Greatest Hits, but I knew most of the songs form the radio and movies and things. The Man Who Sold the World and Suffragette City are probably my favorites. Probably some of the most well known of his, but they're well known for a reason. Sweet Thing isn't bad, either.

Its safe in the city, to love in a doorway
To wrangle some screens from the door
And isnt it me, putting pain in a stranger?
Like a portrait in flesh, who trails on a leash
Will you see that Im scared and Im lonely?
So Ill break up my room, and yawn and i
Run to the centre of things
Where the knowing one says

Boys, boys, its a sweet thing
Boys, boys, its a sweet thing, sweet thing
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing
cause hope, boys, is a cheap thing, cheap thing

Im glad that youre older than me
Makes me feel important and free
Does that make you smile, isnt that me?
Im in your way, and Ill steal every moment
If his trade is a curse, then Ill bless you
And turn to the crossroads, and hamburgers, and

Boys, boys, its a sweet thing
Boys, boys, its a sweet thing, sweet thing
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing
cause hope, boys, is a cheap thing, cheap thing

2008-08-25T19:47:00.001-07:00

Music always makes me feel better.
Jack Johnson, "Blue Eyes", Matt Costa and "Sunshine". And Brand new is good for dwelling on shit.

I don't really like Nirvana a whole lot, but I appreciate their cover of The Man Who Sold the World. Honestly, it's relaxing. Other 90's bands I'm appreciating: Garbage, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins. Sonic Youth isn't too bad, but they're 80's, also. After I saw Juno I had to steal my mom's album of So You Want to be a Carpenter and listen to Sonic Youth's version of Superstar- which is great. Listen to that and then 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins and you have a good couple for night driving. Or just sitting outside at night.
The first night in Greece, I sat on the balcony and played those 2 songs. I got to look at the people walking to the night club in small groups speaking rapidly in greek. They were so beautiful in the light of the street lamps. When I looked over the rooftops, I could see down in to the Sea of Olives. I don't think I could trade that image for anything.
I'm jealous of the people who live there, and I wonder if they truly appreciate it every single day. I have pictures, but it's much better in person.

2008-08-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was so prepared to like her and I was actually impressed for a while.

But when you think you're the shit, I'm not down. I'm finding another model.

Lazy Sunday today. If I was in the same mindset as 4 weeks ago, I would've run a 10-mile race today. My, how I can change my mind. I'm almost impressed with it. I need to clean my room today and attempt to reduce the clutter. John just got done with a ton of boxes so I think I'll just put a bunch of stuff in those.

2008-08-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

The world's a big fatty fat whale sitting on me. What is this world coming to when boys gossip like sewing circle biddies? Men have tunnel-vision and can only see one view, so they can't adequately sum up a situation. It's mob mentality driven by dude loyalty.

2008-08-23T19:53:00.001-07:00

I feel deja vu kicking in again. Every time I start liking someone (especially a friend) they start pursuing someone. Or they get a girlfriend. And theeeenn, they ask for advice from me.
And I hang around with advice, patiently waiting. There are so many fish in the sea. All I can do is move along until they're free again, and then I can be sure whether I like them or not.

2008-08-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

My days are long and enjoyable. Now that my bestie is back in town I feel happier. He's like a big light explosion wherever he is.
I'm applying for a job at the used books store. Now that I've got the idea in my head, I really want to work there. i can just sit and read all day if nobody comes in. I just inventory books and put them on shelves... and then I can read or something. It could be a great environment to do homework in, too. Yesterday I picked up The Illustrated Man, Alexander the Great, and On the Road. Those are to read after I'm done with The Once and Future King for school. Honestly, I started that book at the beginning of the summer and I'm not done yet. I just recently started cracking down on finishing. I'm glad I did, because the book is fantastic. I also started reading Alexander the Great last night just as a side read, and I think I'll end up hating the man. What an arrogant ass.

Anyways, look what I found! It was in my bathroom and I finally caught it. For some reason, every time we open the front door, 2 of these buggers keep getting in. I caught it with my sock and then put it in a drinking glass.

Preparing my mind for school. Soon, I'll start cleaning my room and reducing clutter. Cluttered room means cluttered mind, which makes me grumpy and lazy. Robert being extra ass-like lately is not helping.

2008-08-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

Senior year is fast approaching and I'm excited. It will definitely be different, especially the people.

2008-08-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

"Let's make love again instead of eating"
I'm in a drifty, earthy, summery, sunny mood. I'm in a watery, sweaty, sunkissed, heartbreaking mood. I'm in a nature mood. I'm in a deep-breathing life mood. I'm in a mood that would be put to better use if it wasn't dark outside. And next week if I'm in this mood- while I spend 5 hours for four days in the church secretary office- I think I may go crazy. It felt good to be outside and being everywhere. It felt good to be around new people. or around the same people in a different arrangement. I feel good. I'm in a feel-good mood.

2008-08-01T19:00:00.002-07:00

Went out running again. Not as successful as last night. I'm really tired today. I think I ran about 5-6 miles yesterday so that's understandable.
I ran about 3 miles down Waterway and then turned around. And then walked most of the way home. I was hurting. :(
Oh well at least I know I can jog for a while.

Lists From McSweeney's

2008-08-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

1
2
3
4
5
6
7

2008-08-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not as outgoing as I'd like to be. I want to fix that.

Tonight will be the 3rd night I go running. this is possibly the most times I've voluntarily run consecutively by myself. It's 15 more days until cross country starts. And then 9 days after that until the Wawa 10 miler.

Also, I'm trying to think of what to do with my new film. I'm thinking of a couple people to model for me. Not sure yet, but I asked Sandra. She seems to know something about posing, and I love when someone can pose because I also HATE trying to direct someone who has no idea what they're doing. The only problem I can predict is that she may be awkward or introverted around me. Anybody I ask- if I'm not good friends with them- I might need to take for coffee or something first.

2008-07-31T13:14:00.001-07:00

"You shouldn't be afraid of talking to people. That's why there's so many problems in the world. People are too afraid to talk to other people."
I've been searching for jobs and watching a lot of movie commentaries. Melissa form my church called me and I have a 4-day secretarial job next week. I'll make $160. It's not ideal, but at least I'm getting money for it. It'll give me time to read my book for school and I can just kinda chill. Plus, I started reading a book with a bunch of journalistic stories. They're pretty entertaining, and it was organized by Ira Glass- the host from This American Life. It's called The New Kings of Nonfiction.
I went to Leesylvania state park with my friend yesterday. I got a few pictures, but I was just glad to be out of the house and see my friend that I havn't seen in a while. He always reminds me to enjoy life a bit more.
I bought some more film. This time I know where to process it- and hopefully they'll be even better than the short-lived Italy pictures.

2008-07-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

I ran for about 25 minutes before I started walking back. Well, I jogged. My breathing was all weird. It's fine. I got at least 30 minutes of exercise. You know, the recommended amount by the nation's health experts.
Good to see they're helping the country out. We're all quite fit and limber. Riiight.

When I got home I just ate a soft pretzel (ohhhh so good) and watched Pride and Prejudice.
Not I'm talking to someone I havn't spoken to in a good 6 months or so. What a douche. I think I'm better looking than him now, anyways.

Fail-again

2008-07-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

Wow so I got my film from Italy developed. It was going to be (possibly) the best photos taken by me. Ever. The film was completely blank. As if I'd never taken any pictures at all. Needless to say I was a wreck. It has to be karma for breaking up with Robert during the trip. The whole experience couldn't be good. The pictures had to be ruined. The most important thing I came back with was destroyed. And that's how God evens out the universe. Woo. Hoo.
So to make sure it doesn't happen again I burnt the offending film and (funnily) took pictures.

Another person could translate the situation to mean that God doesn't want me to take photographs for a living. I would translate it to mean that he intends for me to go back to Italy. And also that I should choose a different theme for my portfolio. Which I will be required to do anyways. Yes, live is good.

But on a different note I saw Dark Knight last night and was amazed and disturbed. Heath Ledger had a good movie to go out on. I don't want to talk too much about it because I don't want to talk about every beautifully shot scene in it. Areh then let me borrow about 5 volumes of Batman and any other comic book I thought looked good. And then any comic book he loved because he put it on the pile. I temporarily traded about 9 volumes for the Watchmen because he doesn't have it right now.
So far, I've read 2 of my Batman volumes, eaten, eaten, watched TV, and made a plan to run tonight. Productive day.

Well

2008-07-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jessica and I planned to go to DC.
It was a bust. No need for embarrassing and sordid details.
POINT: we didn't even make it there. lol.

I don't even know what I'll be doing today. I really want to go find a job. But since Adam said my resume was crap, I don't even know if anyone will consider hiring me. i don't know if he said that to make Rob feel better or what. But all I know now is that I have no job. Whoopee.

I do need to get the pictures from the trip developed though. Hopefully they'll be better than the ones on my digital camera. Seriously, I don't even know what I'm thinking when I take some of these pictures. Most of them were for artistic purpose. But what do i end up with? Tons of required editing. So tried out iPhoto on my mac and it works pretty well. I just don't like editing on the computer. Makes me feel like a cheater. Or like one of those people who has to edit all their photos and think a picture with the contrast turned all the way up is deep and artistic. Bah. These are a few i liked. Some have color editing. Just for a certain effect.

Maybe more later. I need to actually do something today so I better get off now.